Republican Presidential Candidate Rick Santorum lashed out at President Barack Obama yesterday, saying a nuclear strike against Iran to prevent their getting a nuclear weapon will launch a new Crusade into the Holy Land. “The President’s clear Moorish name and background disqualifies him to lead this next great Christian Crusade against Islamic power. True Conservatives will ask their squires to put on their armor, help them mount their steeds, and take up the lance and sword and come to Rome to obtain the blessing of the Pope and to be blessed as Knights defending the Holy Faith. If I am President we’ll take Antioch, Jerusalem and Damascus from the forces of Saladin by the end of my first six months in office!”
Darryl Issa, and his congressional committee investigating the religious battle over contraception services and women’s health care expanded the committee’s reach today. “Not only do we have to hold the line against contraception in this nation and establish personhood at conception, but we are going to take testimony about the millions of witches that occupy this nation and root them out and burn them at the stake.”
Sarah Palin appeared on Fox News Business channel yesterday and hinted that she might accept a draft at a brokered Republican National Convention as a National Goddess. “There comes a time when history brings a person to live out their true destiny. It has become increasingly clear to me that no one is there yet and I am as close to any other Republican candidate to being a Goddess.”
Santorum also added that the nation’s education system needs to be reformed. Ending both Federal and State involvement with education, the Catholic Church will come forward and take into holy orders millions of girls, who after being examined for being a witch, will be placed in convents as Nuns to serve the Lord. Millions of young men are expected to be trained in animal husbandry, agriculture, as blacksmiths, shoemakers, and more. Guilds may be established yet the Republican Party is wary of that policy as being far too liberal and something Democrats might support. “It just sounds like a lot of Union thuggery to me,” Santorum added.
“if I am elected President we will end usury and place the blacks and Jews in special districts of our cities. The Elders of Zion have conspired against us and remember it was the Jews who crucified our beloved Jesus,” said Republican Presidential Candidate Ron Paul.” Thousands of pieces of parchment going back to the 1190’s show Paul to have written or approved writings against blacks and Jews with his name on them. “They don’t mean a thing, I was not involved with that,” Paul said, trying to deflect the criticism of the NAACP and civil rights groups. The Southern Poverty Law Commune has declared the parchments to be racist. Monks there are busy collecting many parchments and stories of racial prejudice.
Newt Gingrich, glorying over his newfound conversion to the Holy Church suggested that the Congress begin an insquisitory investigation into the faith of all Americans. Gingrich suggested that if not able to become President at the Republican Convention he would accept the job of Grand Inquisitor. “Liberals and Democrats not converting to true Republican, Conservative values, will be given the choice of being beheaded in the public square or being exiled to godless, leftist, and Greece-like Europe.”
Presumptive Republican Candidate Mitt Romney was in Detroit Michigan yesterday where he toured the shops of leading chariot makers. “I would not have allowed the King to provide money from the Crown’s treasury to have kept these chariot makers in business. It was discovered that Romney did not own or drive an American chariot but an Egyptian one, resold after recovery from the Red Sea. “Hey, Lord’s are people too you know!” Romney is looking for thousands of serfs to work his many estates around the nation. “I really like firing them,” he said flaming torch in hand.
The Earl of Virginia has said he will sign a decree soon requiring women’s vaginal spaces to be examined by wizards in the state for purity and their ability to conceive. In Wisconsin, King John Scott Walker stands unrepentent as the people wait for Robin Hood, the Barron of Locksley, and his band in Sherwood Forest to oppose the evil Lord. Sightings of Errol Flynn with a sword in hand and on horseback have been made near Madison this week. Thousands of the people have made their mark on parchment for the recall of the King and hope for King Thomas Barrett the Lion Hearted to return from an earlier crusade, or perhaps for Kathleen Falk of Aquitaine to put forward a champion. Walker has obtained the loyalty of several evil wizards, two brothers named Koch, and numerous others of the dark arts in Washington D.C. and Texas.
THIS HAS BEEN A SATIRE