Backwoods Bob: A Mr. Dooley for Our Times (Satire)


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I’ve gone deep into the backwoods to find a sage for our times. His reputation proceeds him so much that it is as if I heard about him before he was born. Just a simple man, an American, sitting on his front porch rocking in a chair. Local people consult him on just about any subject, and find he seems to be sharper, and more well versed than he might appear. Just like the good old Irish bartender in Chicago Mr. Dooley, syndicated in many newspapers at the turn of the 20th century, Backwoods Bob has horse sense and brooks no contradiction. Finally, I spy him where a woman just down the road said he’d be and there he is just a little ways over across the road, ready to speak on the complex issues of our times.

Thomas the Blogger: It’s nice to meet you Backwoods Bob. I’m the guy that wrote you I’d be coming out and hopefully on a regular basis.

Bob: Well then, sit right down in that chair next to mine. Take a Cee-gar out of the box, light it up and join me. I just opened a bottle of pickled pig’s feet. I don’t run hogs no more so they’re store bought. But they’ll do.

Thomas: That’s very kind of you. (takes the cigar and lights it up then chokes on it. Holds it and looks like he smokes them all the time. Bob is not taken in by the recovery.) But the city boy does light into some pigs feet and does well with them, his dad before him having loved them.

Bob: So young feller what do you want to ask me about today?

Thomas: Well the presidential election campaign of both parties would make a good start just now.

Bob: Alright shoot.

Thomas: Who do you like?

Bob: Oh, I haven’t endorsed anybody. That sanctity of the polling booth is just sacred to me. But I can run ’em down fer ya’.

Thomas: What do you think of Donald Trump?

Bob: Why he may be the best of the lot this time around. The Deemo-crats gone and elected twice no less, the biggest durn fool so far. Still caa-int believe what a dumbass he is. Don’t know how to fight fer nothin’.

Thomas: Isn’t that a little harsh?

Bob: Why no, every ee-lection voters seem to want the biggest damn fool they can find. And they sure found him in that Mooslim, Kenyan, skinny lawyer from Illi-noise. Has the biggest ears on ’em. More like a jackass. We had the best dumbass before he came along. Now we thought George Dubya Boosh was the biggest boob. We elected him twice by God. Then the Deemo-crats done gone and found Barack, and the rest is history. Now we have Trump. Nothin’ can stand against ’em.

Thomas: Well, not so fast. Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty just endorsed Ted Cruz for president, and he carries a whole lot of weight with Republicans.

Bob: Old Phil has just two requirements. The guy has to look him in the eye and in the judgment of the great duck caller must seem honest. Then, he just has to go duck huntin’ with ’em. Don’t he know his Consti-too-shun? First, the boobs who tried to set up a goo-verment didn’t want no furr-in influences. That Cruz feller was born in Canada, and neither his mommy nor his daddy was doin’ the goover-ment’s business there at the time. (pulls out a small booklet) Now lookie here. Article II of this here Consti-too-shun requires three things and not just two like Phil said. Why Phil don’t come into it atall’. The president has to be 35-years-old. So he’ll be in his midlife crisis and all and actin’ like a durn fool already, chasin’ blondes in his red chevy er’ somthin’. He has to be a natural born citizen, born to his mamma at home in the usual way right-cheer in the good ‘ol US of A! And he has to hang around here for the fourteen years before he is ee-lected. Hell, Cruz was up in Canada, came down into the You-nited States, went ta Harvard, Princeton. And who knows where the hell he’s been in between! Did anybody check? So Amuricans are real partic-alur about the damn fool we elect.

Thomas: You know Trump complains about Hillary Clinton’s husband Bill’s infidelity and even suggests rape occurred. Doesn’t that show his irresponsible behavior on the campaign trail?

Bob: Now young feller you’re just a dumb shee-it! I done already told ‘ya the guy must be in middle age right?

Thomas: Well, yes you did.

Bob: Alright. Trump’s on his third wife, all of em’ blonde, and he laments not being able to ride in some red hot car, havin’ to take somethin’ in the big boxy bulletproof variety. Don’t ‘ya see? He’s in a mid life crisis all the time. He’s the best durn qualified candidate in the field!

Thomas: I guess that’s a good way of looking at it. It is in the Constitution after all. Everybody knows what happens to men around 35, maybe even older. Why you are a sage!

Bob: Now, ‘yer talkin’ sense. Reminds me of the battle between two women who want ‘ta be Amurica’s real darlin’ That there Mee-gan Kelly of Fox News. Blonde, smart,real pretty and all, but she wouldn’t survive out here for a minute. My bet is on that clerk from Kentucky. Kim Davis ‘ya know? She just looks at you and ‘ya know right quick you got real woman material. She don’t take no bull-shee-it.

Thomas: But she’s on her third husband and makes a point of saying that gay marriage doesn’t follow God’s teaching biblically and won’t marry gays. How could she be any good?

Bob: Young fellar, you must have a head made outa some real hardwood. The fact she’s on her third husband tells ‘ya she don’t take no shee-it!(to be continued)